Communication style (also known as conversational style) is the way in which we share information with others through language. Although we all like to think we're saying exactly what we mean, that's not always the case, especially when we're talking to someone who uses a communication style very different from our own.

Which means that everything that is said must be said in a certain way — in a certain tone of voice, at a certain rate of speed, and with a certain degree of loudness. This can includes conversational features such as directness or indirectness, pacing and pausing, word choice, and the use of jokes, figures of speech, stories, questions, and even apologies.

What is the impact of your communication style on others?

Have you ever been around people who say whatever they think without any consideration for the appropriateness of their remarks? Perhaps you finally decided to approach them about their lack of tact, but received the response..

“That’s just the way I am.”

Contrary to what most people think, communication style is a choice and learning how you communicate is essential for good and positive communication. For example, choose what words we use, how loudly we speak, the timing of our conversation and the strategies we use to influence others are all important aspect of how we can better communicate with those around us.

Unfortunately as people, we are not always conscious of the choices we are making. We have all had conversations in which our emotions dictated our behaviour. We often focuse on our intent behind the message we want to deliver and fail to monitor how we are delivering that message in the first place.

Think for instance, about the last conversation you had, were you aware of what your facial expression or tone was saying?

Much of our communication behaviour is difficult to self-monitor and simply become habitual over time and may not match our evolving thoughts and emotions. As a result, what we say doesn’t always align with what we mean, giving others the wrong impression of what we want to communicate — affecting the way others perceive and respond to us during interactions. 

At the same time, we also judge the habitual behaviours of others and fail to understand what they want to convey. This process leads to gaps in understanding what another person means — which happens quite often, changing the focus to how poorly the communication is going.

Our communication styles have the power to build meaningful connections..

Every connection requires conversation, but as we’ve all experienced, breakdowns in communication happen. We say something that suddenly sends people running for the hills, hiding under their beds, or ready to immediately start a fight. 

Meanwhile, other interactions leave us confused and uncertain, like we missed the mark in trying to convey our thoughts and emotions in words. Then those magical moments happen when our interactions bring us closer to one another. We feel mutually understood, recognised, and respected. 

Meaningful connection is what life’s all about and learning to get it right and understanding the positive and negative impacts of both your own conversation style and others, is therefore crucial to improving the quality of the connection we have; our credibility and; the potency of our influential messages.

So how do we ensure what we say aligns with what we mean?

For most people the four most common habitual patterns of communication are: passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, and assertive.

Passive communicators — are people who speak in a passive manner and have difficulty expressing themselves, and often tend to give in to others. Thy have difficulty expressing thoughts and emotions, which can often leads to miscommunication and built-up anger or resentment.

You can recognise a passive communicator with the following behaviours:

Difficulty making eye contact

Inability to say no

Go with the flow type attitude

Aggressive communicators — takes things to the other side of the spectrum. They issue commands and ask questions rudely while failing to listen to others. With them, It’s always “me, me, me.”

You can recognise a passive communicator with the following behaviours:

They talk over other people

Have poor listening skills — frequently interrupting and criticising others

Assertive communicators — offers an effective and healthy way to express. they encourage open, honest dialogue while still considering the needs of others.

You can recognize assertive communication with the following behaviors:

The ability to express desires and needs with confidence

Having balanced conversations in which both people have a chance to speak

Who gets heard & why…

You can see why the first three communication styles could cause problems when trying to build on their connections. Failing to listen to others (aggressive), shying away from conflict (passive-aggressive), or the fear of expressing ourselves (passive) prevents effective communication. 

Communication styles are fluid. You may rely on an aggressive approach with family members but speak more passively with work colleagues. Communication styles also shift and change over time as we grow and learn from life experiences.

Using our words is one thing, having the impact we intend, well that takes skill and practice…lots of practice. The good news is that communication is a skill that can be learned and improved. When you find yourself falling into aggressive, passive, or passive-aggressive patterns, it’s time to learn a new communication style to create healthier interactions. Although it takes time, you can learn to recognise your communication tendencies and adjust your patterns.

Assertive communication fosters an environment that allows both the speaker and listener to express themselves openly and respectfully. It requires being open, honest, and direct — but not aggressive. It also helps get your message across in a palatable way, without attacking or disregarding your conversation partner.

Words often fall short in accurately describing abstract emotions and dynamic thought patterns. To be the person who often gets heard, and hears.. It’s essential to know ourselves first before we can express what we think and feel to others.

Whether your goals relate to your job, health, family, or finances, you’ll never get what you want without learning to communicate. Effective communication doesn’t mean talking the loudest, getting the last word, or avoiding conflict.

Powerful communication means understanding your needs and learning how to express them clearly — while also valuing the messages you receive from others.

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