How to be a better listener…
As a culture, It can be stated, with practically no qualification, that most people in general don’t really know how to effectively listen. Most of us treat listening as an automatic process about which there is not a lot to say: in the same category as digestion, or blinking.
This neglect is a shame. Listening well, which it took us too long to discover, is a sort of magic trick: for everyone involved in that communication— listening for both parties often soften interactions and blossoms conversations and communication.
Our emotions are often our own worst enemies when we try to become listeners..
A great deal of bad listening comes down to lack of self-control. Other people animate us, associations fly, we are pricked by ideas. Often offended by other people views or ideologies on various topics — which can make it very hard to listen to anyone’s opinion but your own; incapable of not reacting and almost always ready to intervene.
That’s not going to happen if you are judging the other person as they’re talking. It will dampen the conversation, because you will be sending all sorts of subtle nonverbal cues that you have an opinion about what they’re saying.
If you go into the discussion with the main goal of understanding their perspective, free of any judgment, people might just open up to you, because they will feel they can trust you to respect what they are saying.
That’s not to say that you shouldn’t contribute to the conversation. It’s just a good reminder to be self-aware of why you’re talking. Is it about the other person — to show them that you understand what they’re saying, because maybe you’ve had a similar experience? Or is there subtext of needing to brag a bit?
At all times, for almost all of us, our internal monologue is almost always running, and it is desperate to spill from our brain onto our tongue.
Stemming the flow requires intention. This is necessary because, even when we think an intervention is positive, it may still be self-centred.
We might not feel it, or realise but, typically, when we offer our interpretation or input, we are usually responding to our own needs to see the world in certain ways — most of which are often impositions of opinion disguised as questions.
Listening well however, takes practise, possibly endless practise — to only react and intervene, when invited or when it will obviously be welcome.
The better way to listen is most often to stay silent and wait. Our role as an active listener is to simply be there, to focus on thinking with people instead of for or about them.
This ‘thinking with’ requires listening for ‘total meaning’. This means registering both the content of what is actually being said and (more subtly) the feeling or attitude underlying the content of what’s being said.
Often, the feeling is the real thing being expressed, and the content a sort of ventriloquist’s dummy. Capturing this feeling involves real concentration, especially as nonverbal cues – hesitation, mumbling, changes in posture – are crucial. Zoning out, or half-listen, and the ‘total meaning’ will entirely elude us.
Listening in this way takes work but we must resist the ever-present urge to drag the focus of the conversation back to ourselves.
Sociologists call this urge ‘the shift response’. When a friend tells you they’d love to visit a particular place, it can be easy not to resist the selfish pull to leap in with ‘Oh yeah, Paris is great, I spent Christmas there once, did I ever tell you about…?’
This is not listening. To listen well is to take a step back and keep the focus on the other person — where exactly do they want to go, and why? This is called ‘the support response’. Which allows you to make an effort to focus your attention on what the other person has to say, allowing you to seek information and understand the other person better.
Done well, listening can an act of empathy. Where you are trying to see the world through another person’s eyes, and to understand their emotions and views.
The best kind of listening is about being comfortable not knowing what you’re going to say next, or what question you might ask.
So, trust that you’ll think of something in the moment based on what the other person just said. That will send a powerful signal to the other person that you’re truly listening to them.
Our brains learn from other brains, and listening well is the simplest way to draw a thread & open a channel
Good listening is complex but it’s something we can work on everyday Like a muscle, it can be trained. Like an intellect, it can be tested. In the very same moment, it can spur both our own growth and the growth of others. Our brains learn from other brains, and listening well is the simplest way to draw a thread and open a channel.
Left on autopilot, most of us are bad listeners on average. Given the chance, we’ll interrupt and finish sentences at every opportunity but most of us do and are trying..
So, take more time to be a better listener. With anyone you can impact – be a safety, of warmth and empathic understanding.